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so yesterday at work, not only did i find out that my hours have to be cut (mandated by the company because i'm not full time and cannot work more than 30 hours a week), but dana handed me this:


i guess i'll go, not just for social reasons, but because hopefully seeing them together (let's remember that she's still just pixels to a big chunk of my brain) will cement the reality in my mind and help start the healing process from this big stupid 3-year-long infatuation.

seriously though, fuck my life.


so, i had a dream about dwight.

well, actually it was a dream about work. i mostly remember that they called a meeting, and they were gonna have us sing or do some stupid activity like that, and i just lost it and started screaming and swearing about how "THIS IS A WASTE OF TIME, WE SHOULD BE WORKING" and when they said this was required of us, i angrily (and rudely) quit on the spot.
i then walked back in and said something like, "i don't suppose we could just forget that happened, could we?", which was met with the expected response.
so as i was walking out, i saw dwight stocking, and since i may never see him again, i walked over to tell him. he didn't hesitate to give me a big goodbye hug.

for the first half of the day i just felt really good when i thought about him, like it had actually happened, and then i was like "oh no that was just a dumb dream."


also jon and kevin are both ignoring me in AIM and now i'm sad ;_;
rebecca: http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/sex-toy-fools-entire-chinese-village-142914102--abc-news-topstories.html and saw this
rebecca: and that's probly why there's still racism
rebecca: "i should help fix- HOLY SHIT PENISES?!"
Kathryn Conway: what
Kathryn Conway: a double headed sex toy
Kathryn Conway: modeled after female genitalia?
Kathryn Conway: and now i'm watching the video :D
Kathryn Conway: wtf is that
Kathryn Conway: why would you want to have sex with that
rebecca: oh god
rebecca: there's a video?!
Kathryn Conway: yeah at the end of the article you sent
Kathryn Conway: it has the original report
rebecca: AH
rebecca: AAAAH
rebecca: OH GOD GROSS :-D
Kathryn Conway: I KNOW
rebecca: heeee
Kathryn Conway: who would look at that and think "yeah, i'll stick my penis in that. good times"
rebecca: someone who can't legally do so to a human one
Kathryn Conway: poor chinese villagers
ebecca: :c yeah
rebecca: so innocent...
Kathryn Conway: and so was i.....
Kathryn Conway: but no longer
Kathryn Conway: :D
rebecca: :-)
rebecca: i've made you wiser
rebecca: or should i say... weiser
rebecca: unmistakably weiser
Kathryn Conway: god
rebecca: and for unmistakable deals
rebecca: cehck out our BOGO deal this week on all dildos
Kathryn Conway: you're awesome :D
rebecca: :-) thank you.

this one is just silly. no dwight today

oodooroonysjr: dickbutt as a pony
retardedxbear: ...
retardedxbear: remind me to search for that later
retardedxbear: c:
retardedxbear: i don't wanna draw it, but
retardedxbear: hey, who knows
retardedxbear: :D
retardedxbear: kevin's christmas present
doodooroonysjr: c: neat
doodooroonysjr: oh god why did I google it
doodooroonysjr: Did I ever mention I used the name "Dickbut" for a long time on the videogames
doodooroonysjr: so now that's what people refer to me by
doodooroonysjr: oh god I ended a sentence in a preposition
retardedxbear: ...
retardedxbear: wow :D
retardedxbear: i enjoyed that sequence of thoughts

i got dumped, and then puns

retardedxbear: "dwight
retardedxbear: i got dumped again
retardedxbear: will you hug me ;_;"
retardedxbear: "subtle, rebecca. subtle."
retardedxbear: "also, i have a FB app that tells me when people visit my page."
retardedxbear: "again. subtle."
retardedxbear: those last 3, all dwight
doodooroonysjr: you're all dwight
retardedxbear: "you're alright, man." "no... i'm all dwight"
doodooroonysjr: c:
retardedxbear: then he puts on his shades and rides off into the sunset

dfskjfbaggdsf;gn fhgdsfg

so dwight went to mexico on vacation

then put pictures on facebook

in one he's shirtless

thank you, gods.
i... i had a.. a dream.

first of all, i had a dream about danny and dwight. i think i was hangin' out with 'em, and maybe other people, gettin' high. i remember so little from this, and it was so unremarkable (especially in comparison), that we're just going to mark that as "before things got awkward" and move on.

next dream was about will. whatever you're thinking, no, it's worse.

so, i was at work, i guess (it looked more like a college than weis), wandering around, when i saw will. we hung out for a bit, which was nice, but he was re-interested in me, as in moments later one of our bosses walked by and almost saw him naked. i was already walking away at that point, about to warn him when i saw he at least had underpants on. she still got upset, but at least she didn't see his dong! his dad was also picking him up and had walked out with her, so they left for home. somehow (i don't remember how), i accidentally? ended up in their car, going home with them. i don't know. also, we drove past an area that i recall driving past in dreams before- basically a "where is this?" area full of shops and things that felt close to home, travelwise, but then never was (i learned through advertising that was either being broadcast outside or streamed into our car or something that we were somewhere along the chesapeake, which was apparently about where will and pals lived). so i basically chatted friendlylike with them the whole time, then noticed we weren't going to their place, they were taking me home. i tried to be nice and say they didn't have to, since my car was still and weis and i needed someone to get it for me, they could just (drive an hour or so) and pick me up too, but will's dad took me home anyway.
of course for some reason, when i got there, will was dropped off with me. we hung out in my room, reminiscing, but also flirting, even though i remembered having a current boyfriend. we somehow ended up in the bathroom, still flirtatiously. then he started goofing around, emptying his pockets. ne thing he took out was a floating mouse, in a jar of amniotic fluid (i don't know if that's the right word), with growing babies coming out of her, attached to umbilical cords. please do not correct this science, my subconscious does not care. after i marveled at the mice and their progress, he decided to dump them in the sink. when i complained ("they have to stay frozen!" ???), he turned the water on. they thawed, came to life, and started swimming around (well, the mother did anwyyay, the babies probly didn't fare so well.. floating behind her in the water i guess). i was marvelling at this for a minute, although i forget if this was before or after they very nearly washed down the drain (still all pink and wrinkly, so i guess that happened first). this is disturbing enough. it's not what woke me up.
after that, he continued emptying his pockets. he brought out some things that i guess i recalled from dating him, but nothing i can recall or that existed in real life (no, Real Will does not keep jars of rodents suspended in liquid. that i know of, i guess). i got annoyed after a minute and started telling him he should go, and he may already have been disposing of them- in our toilet. you can most likely see where this is going, but i'm going to keep describing everything.
it was at this point that i did something- i think i leaned out the door to see something, or maybe will's dad was there and i'd heard him come in, but whatever it was, it took my attention away for a second. when i turned back around, i saw that will had basically unloaded enough stuff to fill a bedroom. in our toilet. which had already been flushed multiple times. there were several rolls of gift wrap that were most obvious, but a whole bunch of other things i don't remember at all, again, many of which were reminiscent of when we were dating or seemed important to him before. as i grew more furious- screaming at him that he'd broken our toilet, what's wrong with you, get out of my house, etc- i feverishly pulled things out, with my bare hands. by the time he was at the door (yes i kept yelling at him) i'd run downstairs, at which point i guess i remembered we had to get the car, which i thought was at his house for some reason (oh! IT'S AT WEIS! that's much closer! :D). i only bring this up because this part was so tense and angry and gross, that the intermission where i forgot something important and said dumb things seemed kind of randomly thrown in there, as if only to take dream me down a notch while berating someone for doing something cruel and retarded.
i ran back upstairs to try and fix what was becoming a bubbling crapferno waiting to happen. the more stuff i pulled out, the angrier the toilet seemed to get. everything had been wet for some time now- i just wanted this fixed ASAP (also: i'm pretty sure i disgustedly and sadly, yet quickly pulled out the mice). it soon became apparent i needed to leave, as brown water started pooling up in the bowl. i ran downstairs to find mops, and looked back to see it already leaking out of the bathroom. i screamed warnings to everyone (mom and i think mom mom were in the kitchen, randy and a friend i guess were on the couch, dad was hanging around somewhere). i grabbed two mops from the sunroom and ran back to find that the brown water had... seceded into the bathroom? i was going by the tile floors, which seemed relatively clear now. that's when i went downstairs and asked if it had really stopped before coming downstairs.
basically, the entire carpet was soaked. and the couch. i was walking on squishy poop-riddled carpet to ask my now-smelly housemates what had happened in the few seconds i was gone, and they, without saying much for some reason, gestured to where it had barely leaked into the kitchen (because that would have been gross). i freaked out, and then woke up.

the best explanation for this: my brain, having run through the gamut of "times you could have had with friends who'll never care about you", resorted to Will. the interpretation: the relationship went quickly from fun and sexytimes, without much warning on my part, to, well, wading through a big puddle of shit. will left when he did at the dream because in real life, he left me, and refused to give a shit when i was at my worst. he just walked away from the problems he created with a smug look on his face as if to say he was better than to deal with me and my lowly issues- which, again, were clearly his fault. it was then my job to pick up the pieces, with little help from my family (notice valerie was not in this dream).
that, however, is obviously not an objective view of things- it's how i apparently feel, deep down inside, and i guess my brain was just keeping it on hold for when there weren't any better dreams to play.

here's a thought, brain: i've had maybe one sex dream in my life. why not try a few of those out?

wait, never mind, i don't want the sex dreams you'll give me.
but i don't want the poop dreams either. stop making them.

as i was sleeping in jon's bed

last night i had a dream about Will. i'll share what i can remember.

basically i was at his house, and he was being all sad and needy because he didn't want to move (in real life, they're moving in like a month. sigh). i felt bad and tried comforting him, but it slowly turned more romantic until for some reason we were naked. it was at this point that his dad angrily stormed into the basement and started yelling, more so when he realized what we'd been doing, or about to do, or whatever(?). Will ran outside as i struggled to put my clothes on without jack seeing me much, but i think he noticed anyway. we both ended up outside, in a rural fieldy area much more desolate than his house is in real life, because dreams. so we ended up across the street (dirt path) near a fence upon which sat a massive crow with almost glowing red eyes that stared deeply into our souls and most likely decided our fates right then and there (i read about Mega Bats yesterday, which may be related). we started to hurry away from that, but soon a crazy guy in a rusty old pickup truck (again, rural) drove by screamin' and hollerin' at us. then he whipped out his shotgun and started shooting at our feet to make us "dance", i guess, then drove by after supposedly hitting neither of us (he seemed to think the whole thing was hilarious).

the emotional part was longer than i let on, but there weren't really details i could add to that. just me comforting a sad, needy will for awhile.